blog post.
some rambles on religion.
frankly, i think religion is, like any human institution, just flawed. political systems, too, are flawed. because it is manmade. i can't choose to not exist in a political system, i have to exist in one. but as for religious institutions, i can choose to not participate in that. like i can believe that God exists but not be a Christian. i don't even know what i believe about the bible anymore. thinking about Jesus fills me with dread. i wish it wasn't like that, but this system is something different to me now. my faith is separate from organized religion. i don't think i really want religion anymore.
i keep waiting for God to strike me dead or cut the brakes out from under me and send me into a disaster to need him, and then i realize what i'm doing and i'm like. wow. damn that is a crazy thing to have in one's mind, just automatically assuming harm will come to you because it will "save your soul". i've grown up thinking that eventually we will be forced into submission to God, that God will hunt you down and any attempts to avoid God are a sin.
my relationship with God has always felt like an absent father and abusive boyfriend wrapped into one. one that genuinely provides for me, at least i believe so, but also will not let me leave, and will not be present for me emotionally. elements of thought control, incredibly strict thought control, and fear of death and abandonment.
i have feared that's it's my fault if God abandons me because i abandoned him first. i have always borne this burden in my relationships: that the other person doesn't exist and i have to carry it all myself. i'm speaking into the dark and pretending the echo is his voice and it's driving me crazy. i've needed signs and wonders to believe. my faith is driving me to insanity. in the few relationships i have had i have jumped into sex and physical intimacy because it was a tangible and real expression of being present and being fully acknowledged and heard. having all five senses engaged with another person and being fully present would be the most reassuring thing i have ever experienced. i am tired of waiting and hoping and faith. i ask myself what virtue there is in faith, especially faith in something you don't even really want for yourself, and that question is even louder now.
frankly, it's nice to believe. to believe in something bigger than humanity, bigger than the tangible universe, bigger than theoretical physics and the limits of our imagination. it's nice to belong to something. but frankly i've never truly felt like i belonged in church, and maybe that's due to demographics or other variables, but whatever it is, the niceties are not enough to convince me to stay.
i don't wish to call myself a christian anymore because i am ashamed of what that word has come to mean. it's a made up term anyhow, so it's not like it's something inherent to me that i cannot deny, like my race or something.
i have lost a lot of respect for the bible and the christian religion because of the way i had been taught to view it as infallible yet had to approach it with excuses to fit into modern day society. the denial and blatant cognitive dissonance messed with my sanity so much. the human body can sense untruth and fantasy, but the mind is so quick to accept the pretty lies. promise peace, belonging, safety, family, and it will fold. but your body will know if it doesn't get what it needs.
i've been sick for a long time, sick in the head. you see my body knows. and i am finally ready to listen to it. if God is transcendent then the religious boxes that define him are Babel.
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christianity is an idol.
it is an image of God that is manmade. religion is a human tool constructed by human hands. this is my perception now, and perhaps i'll change my mind about it in the future, but for now, i can only operate out of my best conviction. is there such thing as absolute truth or absolute morality? i don't think so, but there are a few things that i do govern myself by. certainly truth is much less absolute than we make it to be, i would say. i'm shooting in the dark here but i'm trying my best. isn't that all we can ask for? to do our best, and to love one another?
i'm tired of the excuses for my own behavior. tired of blaming it all on God, or saying i'm not enough for God, or i'm not trusting God enough, et cetera. for just a bit i want to be responsible for who i am, to weigh my desires versus how it harms or helps those around me, and to not operate so detachedly from the world i live in.
i can only do what i can. i don't wish to dismiss others with a prayer or to tell them "too bad, should have believed in Jesus!" because i see no rhyme or reason for the chaos i live through. i can't in good conscience recommend this system of belief to everyone. sometimes life just is. sometimes life hurts like a motherfucker, and it's ugly and simply exists. for the record, i am not angry at God, i am just angry at the human beings who put words in their mouth. to the people who saw only doctrine and not their neighbors in front of them. who became so caught up in moral elitism they lost what really mattered. who in their attempt to uphold a good law became ugly in spirit.
i've tried really hard to hold onto religion. i tried to find a good church because i have craved people to be close to, to support me and for me to support them. i've just felt like i've been choking this whole time. every single time i sit down to hear a pastor preach and tried to internalize it, it's like shoving poison down my throat.
i sat in service today and i can't tell you what was said but all i know is that this was supposed to be a message of hope. i can tell you that my mom prayed for the muslim kid in front of me to be converted. i can tell you my dad waved his hands in the air as the music played, and murmured personal prayers to God under his breath. i can tell you that every moment of that time hurt like hell, and i thought about how i'd be kicked out of that sweet candelit ensemble in a heartbeat if they knew all the things i've tasted since i'd been there last.
to redefine an entire religion i've spent the last 2 decades of my life devoted to is not something i feel equipped to do right now. i need a moment to catch my breath. i struggle to stop myself from requesting permission even though i am an adult and i have to seize it for myself.
still i am grieving some old part of myself, i guess. the one who used to know, really know. i don't know a lot about myself. i am not really anywhere yet, except twenty-one with a lot of feelings, 5/8ths of a bachelor's degree, and a whole lot of confusion. i'm okay with that. i'm okay with not knowing a lot of things, because once i do know something, there will be another thing i won't. i'm trying to embrace uncertainty and grow acquainted with it. i'm trying to remind myself that the certainty i might have felt in flashes in the past was a lie.
i feel like this is something i had to do for myself. it's a beautiful moment of abandon. like ugly crying in front of people i am scared of. like being held by a stranger. it's faith, truly, to move forward without any promises, no reassurances, but a canvas of infinite possibilities.
i believe in a God but i don't believe in God, you see. i do believe God exists. and maybe if she exists, she cares about me, or maybe not. maybe this God has some will for the universe, but maybe she also invented free will, and gifted/cursed us humanity with it. either way, i exist. in spite of or because of, no one really knows. but i choose to love and i choose to be good and to hold onto good, in the way i define it, respecting the autonomy of others and improving my well-being and existing in a way that is aware and alive and present. it's the least i can do.