to be seen
when i cut off my best friend because they were lashing out in a dark place, even though i knew it had to be done, i couldn't help but think a better version of me would have stayed with them through the thick and thin. i couldn't help but think i'd fulfilled the fear of how everyone leaves. i couldn't help but think i was the very thing i didn't want to be. i've had to do this too many times but life is a matter of brutal survival sometimes. i just wish it was all "friendship and love is the solution to everything". but friendship and love is something we fight for, not something to apply like a bandage, and if it is that easy then maybe it isn't real or it won't last. maybe that's an oversimplification.
oh it hurts to see the people i love for the humans that they are. when the fantasy breaks and they're naked, wounded, in pain—all bleeding flesh and scarred heart. i see the tears well in their eyes at the slightest twinge of pain and i need to look away—from the disconnect between their mind and body, from the easy way their walls go up and shut out the love they need, the way they hurt me because they hurt so bad.
it's like looking in a mirror.
it hurts to be seen for the human i am. when you really see me and realize i'm insecure as fuck and i'm an echoing caricature of the worst parts of my family line, convinced that everyone will leave me and hurt me so i hold on too hard and overshare and make a fool of myself. you'll see that i hurt everyone who gets close to me because i think that i'm better than them, and you'll see that i run first because i don't believe i deserve forgiveness. you'll see the self-hatred is reducing down to a potent concentrate under my ribs, turning into pitch-dark poison that i will fail to keep from burning you. you'll see that i'm always borderline, obsessed with you one moment and then hating you the next. you'll see that i'm addicted to the chase, to the owning, to the way people cede to me if i play my cards right, you'll see that i am ugly through-and-through. you'll know why i can't look my face in the mirror without bracing for it, you'll see that i'm never man enough or woman enough for you, you'll see i've lost my purpose, you'll see i don't believe in anything or anyone and my moral code is The Purge as long as no one hates me.
we're scared we will be alone so we settle for people who aren't good for us, we aren't honest about our feelings with each other because we're scared of rejection, we wait around for unavailable people because that waiting is at least a certain thing, we gnaw on scraps of affection because we think something is better than nothing, we blame our pasts because it's easier than being accountable for the present. we're afraid of being seen.
i'm convinced that dating these days is not a "men" problem or a "women" problem or even a "them" problem. it's just a human-to-human problem. being [insert aspect of identity here] has nothing to do with dating issues. being a human does. that is the variable that makes dating, or even friendships, difficult but also wonderful. it is why the longing for a relationship exists. we are human = we crave connection.
so to the girl who used to be my best friend: you were trying. i was trying. we were both hurting on opposite sides of the spectrum, our frequencies all tangled up, and we lost our connection amidst the noise. you held me close to you like a post to sharpen your claws, a bag to take your punches, a place to pull yourself up from drowning. i can't fault your instincts, but i needed to cut myself free. maybe it's different now, but i'm still healing. i can't promise you anything but i owe it to myself to keep healing.